Sunday, January 16, 2011

Self Inflicted Cabin Fever

I didn't venture out today. I decided one day without wearing my boots was a good thing. Increasing my odds of my vehicle not sliding into or being slid into by another vehicle was a very good thing. I should have taken full advantage of all the indoors had to offer me. I could have worked on all those little projects that escape my time restraints during the week. Instead, I felt trapped and deprived. My work week is so rushed. So frantic. Now it seems I've forgotten how to slow it down. I tried, but I literally fell asleep. It was as if I wasn't going at a frantic speed racing to the next task, then my brain told my body, "it must be time to sleep".
When I awoke I regretted wasting those valuable hours. Weekends are so fleeting anyway and now I've gone and wasted it. I actually had a list of things to accomplish this weekend and now that list remains...
Do I at least feel refreshed? NO. I feel behind in all I wanted to accomplish.
The weather is predicted to be worse tomorrow. Slower driving in tomorrow morning on bad roads. Hurry up so we're not late. We need to drive slowly. Rush around. Frantic will return with a vengeance. At least my boots will be dry.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

What We Remember

When I was 15 I had my first job and my only form of transportation was my I rode approximately 6 or 7 miles 5 days a week one summer while I worked. I did not lose any weight, but I did decrease from wearing a size 12-14 down to a size 7-8 and felt fabulous. I bought all of my own school clothes that fall with the money I had earned, which had allowed me to buy all of the "in" clothes...and they finally fit. I remember thinking that the clothes themselves did not make me fit in any better at school that year, but my clothes did not make me stand out any more. Then that January I left the country as an exchange student for a semester. While abroad, I had not developed any healthy coping mechanisms, so to deal with my home sickness, I ate. I gained 20 pounds and went from the size 7-8 to a size 14+. I of course did not have any clothes that fit. I remember going shopping with my host mother to an outdoor market and my host mother told the sales women that we were looking for pants for me. The sales woman took one look at me and said, "We won't have anything to fit her." I have pretty much felt like a circus elephant since that day. A few pounds up or down. You can dress her up; decorate her as much as you'd like....but she's still that sad elephant.
I did find a pair of khaki pants that day. I came home after my six months abroad with one pair of pants that fit.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Solitude of Friendship

I'm making a discovery about life and friendships. It seems nearly impossible to make or maintain friendships during the middle or later part of one's life. This may not hold true for all, but appears to be a very strong and resounding theme for myself, my co-worker and my elderly mother. I am in my mid thirties. My "closest" friends live hundreds of miles away. They are living on both coasts actually and my dearest friend lives in another country. Explain to me how we have been able to maintain our friendship for the past 15 years despite having seen one another only once during those years? Is that they key to friendship?? At the same time, I find it particularly challenging to maintain any friendships which have origonated in the past 5 years. Granted, the biggest of life's changes have occured during those 5 years taking all of my attention away from those friends (babies have a way of doing that). But again, those friends from far and wide are the ones I still speak to. The ones I exchange Christmas gifts with. The ones I refer to as friends.
Now I look at the art/struggle of making new friends at this age. My co-worker and I have had lengthly conversations about our mutual desire to acquire more friends. Couple friends. Friends with kids. Someone. Anyone. We hardly have enough time for our spouses, but we still think it's important enough to continue to pursue these elusive friends.
My mother and I recently discussed this dilemma and discovered that although there are 40 years between us, we are experiencing many of the same issues. We have held on to those close friends we made in our early twenties, only to have seen the rest come and go as if everyone else has served their purpose and moved in and out of our lives as needed. Is that ultimately what friendship becomes? Perhaps I was mistaken when I thought it was to provide companionship, but even with technology, there isn't a great deal of companionship offered in an email from abroad. Is this ultimately what I have to look forward to for the next 40 years as well? People I call my Friends today will weave in and out of my life so that when I am 74 I will once again feel lonely and crave companionship?

How is it that I feel lonely when I'm surrounded by people all day?
I reach out to some, but they sense that the hand I am reaching out to them is empty.
How do I fill it?
Do I reach out to the right person?
There must be someone able to help me fill it.
It can't be mine alone to do.
I'm alone.